Downsizing

It's been a little over a year since I've posted and things are changing. I spent the last year going up and down with my weight, and I need to be brutally honest with myself so I'm going to lay it all out there, and (if I can buck up the courage) post a link to this entry to Facebook.

I want to start by saying that I need to downsize. For me, downsizing is not just about getting rid of possessions but also getting rid of stress and pounds. 


Last summer (2012), I had a job that was at a lake and involved physical labor. It had the potential to have been a great opportunity for weight loss. Unfortunately, it wasn't. I'm really not sure what happened. I packed a breakfast and lunch everyday. I worked in 110 degree heat 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. I drank water like it was going out of style. I didn't eat any worse than I did during the school; in fact, I ate better because who wants to eat heavy food when you're outside in nearly unbearable temperatures? I even had more physical activity than I do during the school. All of this, and I still gained weight. Shoot! I should have sweated off 50 pounds or more but I didn't. In fact, by August, I was so frustrated with my lack of weight loss I quit going to the Weight Watchers meetings (though I continued tracking and using the online tools). Completely counterproductive - but I was pissed.

By September I ran into a financial snag and could no longer afford the WW fees so I had to quit completely.

By October I gained a little weight back and there went my goal of being down a good amount of weight for my sister's wedding.

By December all the weight I'd lost was back on.

By February I'd gained an additional 10 pounds.

By the end of the school year (now), I'd gained 5 more pounds.

I officially weigh more now than I ever have in my life.

Again, the goal of this blog was always to be brutally honest and track my struggle with my weight (and maybe other things!), so I'm going to put some numbers to this. You have to know that putting this number out there for all the world to see, in black and white, is very challenging for me. I had no problem writing down pant and shirt sizes in the intro to my blog, but putting my weight out there is kind of a big deal.

Before I do that though, I think I need a caveat. I'm still confident and happy. I still like me. I'm still the same person who wrote that if people don't like me for who I am (and how big I am), then screw them. But I need to be honest. While I'm happy with myself emotionally, professionally, and personally, physically, I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed I let myself get this big. How did it happen?

I wrote a post about being honest about being an emotional eater. I wrote that while I don't sit down and eat a whole cake or a whole package of cookies or a whole pizza, I still will "treat" myself if I'm having a bad day - I'll get a blizzard (small, of course!), I'll have fast food for dinner, I'll put extra cheese on a casserole. So, yes, I suppose I am an emotional eater. To restate my question, how did this happen? It happened because I emotionally ate. 

I emotionally ate when I was frustrated that the scale (and my clothes) weren't reflecting all the hard work I did this summer. I emotionally ate when my finances went into the crapper. I emotionally ate when I didn't get an income tax refund and instead had to pay. And so on and so on and so on ...

Add that to the fact that I rebelled in the worst possible way - by not working out. So not only was I eating like shit, I wasn't making up for it by working out. Do you know what I did instead? I learned how to embroider. I read a lot of books. I became addicted to new TV shows. I hung out with friends. While I wasn't doing things that were bad; in fact, I've had a really fun year! I did not do anything at all helpful to becoming a smaller me. (Side note: I may start posting things about embroidery because it's important to have a hobby and I love it!) 

Where does that lead us? I didn't forget - it leads us to the weight issue. Here it is - I weighed myself this morning and I'm the biggest I have ever been at 317 pounds.

*phew*

I need to take a breather to let that sink in. It's out there now. Everyone knows. My mother at her heaviest was never that big. Here's the thing - some people will be surprised by this because I hide it well. I dress nicely and (I like to think) somewhat stylishly for a school teacher. I don't wear baggy clothes or muumuus. I'm addicted to the websites Simply Be and Lane Bryant who offer fabulous clothes to plus size ladies. I get daily compliments on my outfits and how "cute" I look. I bet if you were to ask anyone who sees me on a daily basis how much they think I weight, 317 pounds would not have been the answer. Sure they'd know I was fat, but I'm not sure they'd pick such a high number.

But it is a high number. Actually, it's a dangerous number. 

Here's a semi-recent picture of what 317 pounds looks like (p.s. my boobs are huge!): 

Did I mention I'm 5 feet, 2 inches tall.

That sucks, but I can't hide it either. I'm lucky to be (besides my weight) physically healthy - I have low blood pressure, low cholesterol, a healthy heart, no diabetes, etc. Basically, I'm the luckiest fat girl out there :)

But that doesn't change the fact that my luck could drastically change. Right now my body is a ticking time bomb that could go off at any minute. So what am I going to do about it?

I wrote in the intro to this blog last year that I was considering weight-loss surgery but I thought I could do this the "natural" way. I need to be honest again - I don't think I can. Even while attending Weight Watchers and working out regularly, I only lost about 23 pounds in 16 weeks. That's ridiculous!

Segue time (it'll all come back around, I promise!) - I wanted to buy a house. I was tired of renting and my apartment is pretty much a crap hole with falling ceilings and holes in the bathroom. I am 33 and I felt that I needed to actually have some equity (whatever that means). I started house hunting but nothing was sticking with me. Nothing was looking like it would work. Nothing I could afford seemed worth the effort and stress of buying a home. 

I then got my latest credit card statement and after really looking at it, I realized that if I kept paying the minimum payment (that's all I could afford!) then my card wouldn't be paid for for 32 years. That's ridiculous. Couple that with the idea of buying a house and I was uber stressed. I couldn't sleep. Literally. I would lie in bed running financials until 3 in the morning and then get up at 5:30 to go to school. (p.s. I bet you could guess what all this stress was resulting in - crappy dinners and sodas). Finally, a little over a week ago I saw an ad on Wells Fargo's homepage for a personal loan to help reduce debt. Now, I'd applied for loans like this in the past and been turned down but I thought what the heck. It's worth a shot, right? 

When my loan application was "conditionally approved pending verification of information" I was hopeful but cautious. When I got an email last Thursday that my loan was approved, I broke down in tears. I realized that I could - at the minimum - be out of the cloud of debt (except my student loan, but really - is there a better loan to have???) in four years. Yes, you read that right - four years. I went from 32 years to 4 years! I went to the bank and signed the paperwork and went home to do some thinking. 

I've been listening to Dave Ramsey's CD's and thinking about debt reduction, living simply, and downsizing in general. I started thinking - if I paid the minimum balance on that loan, I'd be debt free (conditionally - remember the student loan!) by 2017. But what if I paid more? What if I paid 1.5x every month or even 2x? And can I afford that? 

I downloaded an app (I love technology!) and figured out that if I paid 1.5x a month, I'd be "debt free" by September 2015; if I paid 1.7x a month I'd be "debt free" by May 2015; if I paid 2x every month I'd be "debt free" by February 2015. I then went back to my numbers and realized if I was "debt free," I could afford a house that, instead of being $60,000, could be $120,000. 

Whoa. 

That's a huge increase! Do you know what kind of houses are for sale in this area for $60,000? Not nice ones, that's for sure. 

Now, I don't want (or need) a house that's big - I'm only one person and I don't even have a dog! - but I'd like a house that's nice and I could do that for $90,000 or maybe a little less. So, I started thinking some more. Maybe I could be super aggressive with this debt thing. Maybe I could downsize, move into a smaller place, and get this shit paid off. 

So, I am. I am moving into a 225 square foot studio apartment that's been recently remodeled and in which I don't have to pay any utilities. Here are some pictures: 

Main Space - view of bathroom door - love the big window!!

Bathroom (still cleaning up after remodel) - so much light!

Kitchen - more windows :)

Kitchen

View of main space from kitchen

Two entrances (I'll block off the one that's closed) - taken from kitchen (there's also access to a washer and dryer just outside this open door)

Is it small? Undoubtedly! But it will help me pay off some debt and that's what matters. I plan on selling most of my large items (bedroom furniture, computer desk, sofa, loveseat, large chair, ottoman, coffee table, end tables, stereo system, etc) and using the money for savings. When I move in again in two years, I can start fresh and buy things to fit my new home.  This isn't a permanent situation. It's a temporary motivator to buy that house I want and be "debt" and stress free :)

And this brings me back to the idea of weight loss. A smaller space needs a smaller Cyndi. I need to make a change. I've been doing some soul searching about what I want and what I need to be healthier. Pride shouldn't matter, and honestly, that's what's been preventing me from having the weight loss surgery, and that's just freaking stupid. You know what? If really do embrace the philosophy of "if you don't accept me for me then I don't need you in my life" then screw pride. I need to do what's best for me, and what's best for me is ensuring that I have a longer, healthier, and more active life than I do now. 

In the end, what's right for me is having the surgery. I've decided against the more "permanent" options like gastric by-pass and the stomach sleeve and settled on the lap-band. People will criticize (even if it's not verbal) and I know people will judge me for it or think I'm taking the "easy way" out. But know this - lap-band surgery won't be easy and it will still require the lifestyle change WW requires. What this surgery will do for me is give me the jump start I need to become a healthier person. 

I need to downsize. I need to shed possessions and pounds. I move into the new apartment in about a month and I start the journey towards weight loss in two weeks with doctor's appoints and consultations. Could this all blow up in my face? Sure. Maybe the insurance company won't approve the procedure. Maybe the apartment will become infested with ants. But you know what? At least I will have tried. I can say I made an attempt to better my situation and my life. I won't have regrets. 

Now this blog will become a place for me to chronicle my downsizing - both in weight and space. I will try to post updates as I get used to the new space and as the doctor's appointments progress. And if it the surgery doesn't work what will I do? I don't know. Maybe I'll give WW another try :)

I'm going to close with a silly picture of how excited I am at the prospect of downsizing everything in my life (okay, really it's just my last Facebook profile pic, but it's a happy pic and does show how excited I am!):

p.s. This is a more flattering picture of 317 pounds :)